Fifty Shades Freed or a Lousy Way to End the Series

THANK GOD for classic literature because I think my vocabulary regressed during the two weeks it took me to read the Fifty series. I mean, if the biggest word that you use just so happens to be "aptly" and you think that "my hot, beautiful husband" are the best adjectives ever, then congratulations, you've just read at your reading level! You get a gold star! I am not a literature snob, I promise (step 1 is denial) but holy hell, someone get this bitch a thesaurus. I've said it once, and I'll say it again: if I am able to guess what the next line in a book is going to be because all you do is repeat yourself, Sir, we have a major problem. I've said it to numerous people now that even the crappiest author of the crappiest series (Twilight, I am looking at you) at least makes an attempt to use different words (even if your sentences are quite elementary) but E.L. James doesn't even try to expand word usage. Not even a little bit. How many times can you say "hot husband" in one paragraph? Apparently a lot. I really believe the cause of this (and not because her writing SUCKS) but because these books were rushed to market and the editors share considerable blame as well because even people I talk to who don't necessarily read a lot, have made the same conclusions that E.L. James repeats herself, over and over. It's nauseating. Take a basic English lit course. If any of my Johnston peeps are reading this and took Mr. DiMeo for History I or II or even if they took a class with Mrs. Volante, you know that they would have desecrated a paper with that many words. I am talking about English at a high school level. Conclusion: E.L. James must write at the middle school level. I kid, because I hope that middle school kids don't write about erotica. I cringe.

Now, I am not saying that I am the best writer in the world by any means, BUT I am also not publishing my shit. For someone who is making millions upon millions, at least learn how to write at an adult level (I'm looking at you Stephanie Meyers). So, I will stop here at my ripping apart of E.L. James writing and we will talk about how much I hated Fifty Shades of Crap.

I wanted to like this book. I really did. Now mind you, I don't agree with the whole "Ana marries Grey after about 4 weeks together" bullshit. I'm sorry, this shit does not happen in real life. If it does, bitches get divorced in a few months. This ain't no happily ever after. This is more happily hopping on his dick for the next couple of years. Once that gets old, well, he'll find a new side piece because Ana whines this whole book. I want to job in and bitch slap the dumb out of her. You've married this rich guy (that you keep reminding me every chapter that he is rich, as if us plebeians didn't hear you the first 100 times) and you don't know if you can love him the way he needs to be or whatever else you are feeling. I feel as if Ana regresses in this book. She is not strong, she is stupid. So we have a raging lunatic trying to kill Grey on the loose, so it's a great idea not only head out on the town with Kate (who is so pretty and tan and happy, as we are reminded constantly) but it's also a great idea to meet with the psycho ex-sub who shows up at your work. Dumb bitch. She makes stupid decisions then cries when Christian completely goes psycho. Then they have sex. However, the sex is tired at this point. It's nothing new. It's the same shit. Only in the first few chapters is it even interesting, then it becomes boring and you've read it all before.

The plot, that could exist, emerges occasionally but is usually all over the place. Jack Hyde, Ana's former boss, is after them but seems to always be one step ahead and manages to escape. The plot seems to be forced in and never flows with the rest of the story. I wanted to throw up in my mouth because of all the rainbows and butterflies that seem to emanate from E.L. James though process. I'm sorry, you're suppose to be writing a story on this BSDM relationship, I really don't need you to tie everything up with a bow. I would've done without it. However, this is precisely what James does. Let's tie it all up people! See how happy BSDM couples can be! Ugh, gag me. As I said, there isn't too much positive to say about this book. Kate gets engaged to Elliot (really? after a few months of dating, he is a notorious womanizer!), Ana gets pregnant because she is a dumbass. I'm sorry that just got me so pissed. Any normal person who is taking birth control does not put off her SHOT so she doesn't get pregnant you stupid bitch. Ana tells Christian, Christian gets pissed. However, this is the rich part. When she tells him that she was pregnant, he tells her How can you get Pregnant, we've all known each other for 5 minutes! NO SHIT SHERLOCK! Why did you get married!?? UGH! There are not enough exclamation points to even begin to demonstrate how I feel. But no worries, James makes sure Hyde is caught (there is a kidnapping thrown in there), Christian accepts his new bundle of joy (whom Ana names Blimp until they know for sure what they are having). We get a cute epilogue that you can trudge through.

So positives? At the end of the novel ,we get Christian's perspective on his first 2 meetings with Ana. That was the best part of the whole novel. No, I am not kidding. I am getting heartburn because I am getting so angry about this book. I will not re-read this ever again. I am now reading The Tenant of Wildfell Hall by Anne Bronte to gain some knowledge back. Thank god. I think I am slowly returning back to normal form. If you liked the books, all the power to you. I am just sharing you my honest opinion. Many people like the books. Go see them on www.goodreads.com.

LATERS

Fifty Shades Darker and some Gotye

Now you're just somebody that I used to know... I wonder if Christian Grey's submissives sing that song to themselves. Not sure if that would ever make them feel better but whatever. That's what happens when you deal with a "megalomaniac" or however Ana likes to describe Grey. I have this song on repeat to get my thoughts out on here. And onward we go...

So, I am going out on a limb that if you are reading this review then you have read the first book and if you haven't then shame on you because I am about to delve into some spoilers. You have been warned.

We left book one where Ana walks out on Christian because he flogs her with a belt, which she asked for by the way. This is what I don't get and infuriates me. She asked her Dominant (he is not her boyfriend, yet) to punish her. Then, she doesn't like it, cries and runs and leaves him. Now they have known each other for like three weeks and she is in love with him. What I want to tell her is that she is in love with having sex with him. Let's be honest. She's never had sex with anyone (I'll buy it for now) and only kissed someone twice (bitch please). That's what I find to be so unbelievable. Ana supposedly lives with a hot roommate who has boyfriends (who I assume has friends) and Kate has never tried to hook her up with anyone? Bitch please and an eye roll (will Grey punish me for the eye roll?). This girl is obviously naive as fuck (excuse my language but frankly that's all this girl says is "holy fuck" etc etc. Since I am obviously more sexually educated than this broad, you do not fall in love with the first guy you have sex with unless y'all been dating since high school. This Ana chick needs to get a grip you stupid trollop! She loves to have sex with him. Really, if you have really great sex with someone you feel that charge when you're near them you stupid ass. It's called chemistry as in, sex chemistry.

I digress (obviously I have issues with this). Ana breaks up with him for punishing her when she asks for it, walks out, and goes back to her apartment. She tries to give Christian back everything he gave her (mac book, blackberry, the damn Audi, the 45000 books) but Christian is all noble and says they were a gift blah blah blah. He cuts her a check for her Bug and she goes back home to cry.

Now, she is at the apartment all alone because her roommate Kate is in St. Barts or somewhere in the tropics for two weeks and she is not back yet. Ana starts her new job that Monday at SIP and she basically says that she wakes, works, cries, and sleeps. The Wednesday after her walking out on Christian (so not even a week), he sends her an email asking her if she needs a ride to Jose's art showing in Portland since she does not have a car. So he picks her up, asks her when she last had a real meal (obviously bitch is on the break up diet) and then she cries and they make up.

So in the first chapter, Ana gets back with Grey. Seriously? Seriously. Now as I peruse through the novel, to get my memory jogging, I picture Grey as someone with an English accent based on how he speaks. For instance, when they go to the art gallery, Grey refers to Jose as "the boy". Usually, now this may be the east coast kid in me, but we usually refer to someone we don't like as "that guy" or "kid". I realize E.L. James is English so I will cut her some slack here. Another thing (mind you this is all the first chapter) when Ana and Christian kiss (he pulls her into some dark alley, "oh piece of candy") and kisses her, he then "snarls" (no really, he snarls) "you are mine". I can't. I could use the word seriously over and over because I really can't believe what girl puts up with that shit. It's not "my girlfriend" no it's "you mine" like that's my car or that's my phone. A object. Stupid whore.

So this book is riddled with Grey and Ana referring to each other as "mine". I don't get it with these people. No normal person refers to their significant other as "mine". Don't get me wrong, if I am out with my boyfriend and I see some stupid trick looking him up and down, I do give the side eye with the whole "he's my boyfriend, tramp" but I never say "he's mine!".

I digress. I should take an English Lit course to write papers on this book all day long. However, this is suppose to be a review as how I see fit. The book is okay, her writing is still elementary BUT she does give some semblance to a plot line and we do get to learn a little bit more about Christian and his past. He continues to be a possessive control freak and Ana's boss Jack Hyde turns out to be an asshole. Kate is in love with Grey's brother Elliot and she finds out about the whole contract between Ana and Christian. There really needs to be more Kate in this novel because she is awesome. Ana is whiny as ever but the book is fast paced so you will finish it in no time.

Until next time, or laters, baby.

now and then I think of all the times that you screwed me over...

Fifty Shades of Grey and other fan fictions that shouldn't be published

Let me start this first off  by saying, no, I do not think that the Fifty Shades series should never have been published but fan fiction is meant for the interwebs and not for the low price of $9.99 on Amazon (if you have a kindle of course). I am more upset at the speed of the books were published after the success of the first book. The book was published January 2011. Within the year, two more books were published. Talk about a cash cow. I can't entirely blame the author, who wouldn't want to get on that money. I mean, isn't that what YOLO is all about, or whatever these rappers are telling us these days. I have to blame the editors and probably publicly put them in the stocks because they allowed this tripe (more so with the third book) to even hit the shelves.

That is my overall feeling after reading book 3. But alas, I get ahead of myself. Let's start with book one.

Fifty Shades of Grey

Ah yes, the book that started it all. Let me just say, I usually do not get pulled into the hype. Case in point, I still have not read The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo or The Hunger Game series. Don't even get me started with Twilight. However, all I ever heard was Fifty, Fifty, Fifty and I just had to find out what it was about. I asked someone in my office if they had read them and lo and behold, she was reading the second one. She warned me not to read them till I was done with exams (I still was in my last week of school) and not to read them if I was mad at my boyfriend (which I probably was). With her affirmation, I bought it on my kindle but let it sit for about two days until I said "screw it" and started to read.

This book is definitely about the shock value. It starts off slow because you are expecting this hard core erotic sexiness to happen on the jump off. However, E.L. James does a good job in this story to put in an actual story line. It's great. You actually care about the characters. The main broad, Ana Steele, is a strong heroine who makes the mistake (luckily or not) of falling head first into Christian Grey, the billionaire CEO who happens to be ridiculously good looking (I hope your taking notes Mark Zuckerburg). Her best friend and roommate, Katherine Kavanaugh (enough with the alliterations), is the editor of her college's school newspaper and has coincidentally gotten sick and has sent the shy and non-journalist Ana to conduct this interview she has arranged with Grey (why a billionaire CEO sit down with a college newspaper is beyond me, but oh wait, he's conferring degrees and the university and wait for it, he is also donating a multi-million dollar grant to the school as well, silly me). She gives her a list of questions and says GOOD LUCK BITCH. Not really, but that would have been much funnier.

So basically Ana makes an ass out of herself in this interview, asks Christian if he's gay and basically comes off as a clueless, unprepared, lazy college student. However, Christian for whatever reason is fascinated by her and her Wal-Mart jacket. Anyway, they have these "random" encounters but nothing comes of it. However one night, Ana gets drunk with her friends Katherine and Jose, drunk dials Grey and the rest is history.

Like I mentioned earlier, the book is all about shock value especially if you are not of the erotic novel variety and have never seen an episode of Sex and the City. E.L. James makes Samantha Jones and Nora Roberts look like nuns compared to what Ana and Grey have going on here.

So, once you get past all the sex, the book is quite captivating and engrossing. I did not get much studying done while reading this book. Oh well, still got an A in marketing bitches. Anyway, I digress.

I enjoyed the banter between Ana and Grey. It was fun to read how they interacted. Their emails are probably the best and you will surely get a laugh when you read those. This first book does a decent job with character development and you actually care about what happens to everyone so you want to buy the second book. I won't get into too much of the plot (I mean it's not that deep or anything) but it involves a contract and sex slaves. No big deal. I think E.L. James was trying to start with the whole finding yourself as a person bit and not conforming but honestly that's lost with all the sex scenes.

Please do not expect a literary masterpiece and please if I hear you say that this was the greatest series of all time, I have the right to bitch slap you and tell you Kanye West said that first and make you pick up The Old Man and the Sea (it's short, you'll get over it). That's real literature, ass.

I won't finish this review on the other two, since I am at work and I have a job where they don't pay me to write blogs. Until next time. Or should I say laters.